It’s your birthday, Facebook,
You kinda’ make us gag…
Here’s a little status update rhyme,
Surprise: It’s YOU we tag!

Happy #HumpDay you say!
Feeling so #blessed!
I have no idea who you are,
But I’ll accept your friend request.
That’s a great picture,
Of your abs in the mirror,
Thrilled to hear about your juice cleanse,
But how you can’t wait for a beer!

No drama tonight, y’all!
It’s just the girls on the town!
Once we start drinking moscato,
Shit’s about to go down!
Delete, delete, delete,
We don’t want to read,
And we don’t need your cleavage,
All up in our news feed.

New and expecting moms:
Please start a private group.
Nobody wants to hear,
About little Taylor’s projectile poop.
Sorry you were up all night,
And pumping milk is a bore.
But if would be great if you remembered,
That sometimes less is more.

Best friend babies rule,
Lay them side by side.
They look uncomfortable as fuck.
But the “likes” boost mommy’s pride.
And hey everyone! Today I’m 3 months old!
Look at this awkward poster,
My mom forced me to hold!

And check out my dinner pic!
Aren’t you so jeal of my soosh?
Oh, and I checked into the gym.
Can you say hashtag douche?
I’d like to take a moment,
To go on a political rant.
Oh that’s not what FB is for?
Omg. I Mean. I just can’t…

Sports! Bowl games! Rivalries!
And your fantasy football team!
Thank God the season is over,
So you can stop (embarrassingly) blowing off steam,
Oh and thanks for checking into church,
We didn’t know you knew God,
But you forgot to post about last night’s threesome,
With your boyfriend and random broad.

And how about the weather!?
It’s making me so BRRRR!
I wish they’d cancel work today!
My boss makes me so GRRRR!
Want to join my birthday calendar?
Or play Candy Crush?
How about Farmville?
Seriously, assholes. Hush.

Thanks for posting that image,
Of a Marilyn Monroe quote,
And a pic of your toes in the sand,
Then later, “I’m on a boat!”
Your vacation looks AHHH-MAZING.
So glad you’re living the dream.
And wait, is that the Dos Equis guy?
We hadn’t seen that meme!

And is that another engagement?
She’s marrying her best friend!
He liked it so he put a ring on it!
Click, click: Defriend.
But wait, they look so happy!
And are crying actual tears!
They posted on FB before calling their parents,
We give them max 2 years.

So your boyfriend just broke up with you,
Better quote a song.
Is he at home thinking about you?
Nope, he’s hitting his bong.
Oh no, a family member is sick!
Better give that a mention.
And if you ask for prayers on Facebook,
You’ll get even more attention.

Anyone know a good body shop?
(Remember, I have a Lexus.)
PS, I’m in the Delta Sky Club,
Anyone gonna’ be in Austin, Texas?
Where can I buy a flashlight?
Oh, and a bottle of Dom?
Hey, here’s an idea:
Ever heard of

Oh em geeeee, friends,
Facebook has made us so dumb.
But we can’t deny we love it.
Here’s to 10 more years of selfies to come!

-Co-written by the awesome Jen Boaz (also her idea!) and moi (Ashley)

(And spare us the hate comments–I know I’m guilty of half of this shit.)

Facebook Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


Pop Culture + Social Media


, , , , ,