Since the beginning of time Beyonce, ladies want to be sexy for their men. But what if they don’t know how? Sure, you could read articles in Cosmo titled “What Guys Really Think Is Sexy” but Cosmo is written for 14-year-olds, and instead of asking real, dateable guys, they probably just asked a few nerd interns in the IT department who have never touched a boob (no offense, guys).

In order to answer all your burning “IS THIS SEXY OR NOT!?” questions, I called in the big guns, and by big guns, I mean average-sized guns with our beloved male contributor Trey. Now obviously, Trey does not represent all men, but he is semi-attractive (if you’ve been drinking), moderately successful, and has dated a female or 60 (even some hot, normal ones). This makes him qualified to give us the “yay”, “nay”, “HELL NO”, or “FUCK YES” on various things that females may find sexy and want to do for their dudes.

Sorry if this changes your plans.

First up: Lingerie.
Lingerie is fine, but it’s the goods underneath we care about. The only way a gal can pull off lingerie is if she is confident (or a stripper). Nothing could possibly be worse than ol’ girl busting through the bedroom door sporting some lingerie and being like “Um, hey, well, do you think, maybe, like, is this sexy or whatever?” while covering up her non-exposed breast with both arms. Go away. If you are going to do lingerie, do it LIKE A BOSS.

Got it. What about something like this?

Is that thing from IKEA? Is there a YouTube video on how to disassemble it? It already takes me 80 minutes to get a bra off, and most dudes can’t figure out button fly jeans. Enter the dry hump. Sorry, I digress. Instead of getting caught up in the Bermuda triangle of fancy women’s lingerie, try something simpler or just be naked. And for the love of God, don’t wear stripper heels. You might pop the waterbed.

Speaking of, what about strip teases?
The strip tease comes down to one thing: Confidence. Sorry, two things: Confidence and the absence of oddly shaped body parts. Now, I will say, there is nothing sexier than a nice strip tease but for the love of vodka, please practice and don’t play Sarah McLachlan or Baha Men.

Vajazzle. Do you even know what this is? It’s like, a temporary tattoo made of crystals on a girl’s pubic region. Google it.
Vajazzle sounds like a George Foreman Grill to me. I wouldn’t want to lick the bottom of a cleat so cancel that appointment. Do you get it at a kiosk at the mall? Do girls really glue rocks to their nicknacks?

How about pubic hair trimmed into a heart shape and dyed pink? OH IT’S A THING.
I once saw a gal who had a strip of pubic hair dyed green with a tattoo of the devil with a lawnmower just above it. She was working at the worst strip club in America. I was at the worst strip club in America? Damn it. I will be honest–colorful and geometrically shaped pubic hair is not a turn-on.  A gal letting her man shave her pubic hair: Gold mine. The word pubic, horrid.

Spray tan (and I already hate your answer).
Listen, I hate cancer too, but I also hate eating brown airbrush paint. I also hate your orange hands and hypercolor feet. Oh let me guess, there is no streaking anymore with the “new” spray tan formulas. Check your sheets. Also, NEVER HOOK UP WITH A DUDE LESS THAN 48 HOURS POST SPRAY TAN. That shiz is gross. (For tips on hooking up with a spray tan, click here.)

What about stuff to say over dinner to get a guy “in the mood.” What is sexy and what is not?
Now, here is a doozy. All girls should learn how to talk sexy/dirty outside of the bedroom. This is huge. As you may or may not know, dudes are 100% visual and also 100% dumb as shit. Ergo, if you say “I’m not wearing panties,” our brains almost explode. If you come up with more creative things to say at dinner, via text, or through SnapPorn, then you win. “I can’t wait to (blank) you tonight,” or “I’m going to (blank) ’til you (blank) when we get to the car.” Now, please for the sanity of all men, do not say stupid shit like “I want to make love to you tonight,” or “I can’t wait to be intimate” or “I love your genitals.” Ask your friends, read a sex book written by a dude, or simply ASK OTHER DUDES. Get busy.

Massage oil?
Yes. Good. Very good. It lubes the body. Lubed bodies are good. Massages are good. Get greased up then roll around in a touching wonderland. That is a definite positive in my book. I don’t really have a book.

How about cooking dinner for a dude. Naked? In an apron and heels? In a Big Bird costume?
Cooking dinner for a dude is a great idea. Cooking dinner for a dude in the nude is a terrible idea unless you are cooking one-minute Hot pockets, because unless he is tied to a chair (that might be fun?), he will molest you before the water boils. So at least wear an apron. And don’t wear Crocs.

Any last words?
As I have stressed, the key to doing anything sexy for a man is confidence. If you do anything with confidence, it will (probably) work. However, if you have insecurities about this or that, it will come out in your disastrous attempt at being sexy. For those with limited confidence, use SnapChat. You can retake pics a half billon times until you get the right angle and you can say something via text you are scared to say over dinner. Lastly, don’t try pole dancing in a wonder thong while telling him what you want to do to his wonder pole. What?


And to see what guys really want for Valentine’s Day gifts, click here!

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