HOLA AMIGOS. (That is “hello friends” for you gringos.) ‘Tis time for one of my favorite holidays because I know I am part Mexican no matter what my mom and skin tone say: CINCO DE MAYO. This glorious excuse for cheese dip consumption, tequila chugging sipping, and questionable decisions whilst wearing sombreros falls on a Monday, which means you are more than welcome to start celebrating on Friday (or right this minute).

Here’s the plan…

Stache Dash
This 5K is hands-down the wildest fiesta of a fun run since the Alamo. What? Show off your mustache (real or faux), wear something stupid, and run/stumble/cha-cha-slide/Macarena across the finish line. Stache Dash 7It starts and ends with partying at Tin Lizzy’s Buckhead, which may or may not include world-famous DJs, dance-offs, prizes, a Tom Selleck lookalike contest, a quinceañera, Ricky Martin karaoke, wet poncho contest, midget mariachi band, and a sombrero toss. The best part: 100% of proceeds go the One Love Generation, a non-profit organization that empowers youth to inspire positive local change through art, service, and awareness.

The OTHER best part: Use promo code GUAC (awww si) to get $5 off the $30 registration fee.

But the BEST BEST part: Selfies are not only allowed, they’re encouraged! But being a bandit is not. Or rather, bandito.

Zocalo Guacamole Festival
Guacamole festival might be the best two words I have ever seen put together in my life. Tomorrow, May 1, through May 18, the Midtown restaurant is serving FIVE different variations of the green goodness from different regions. Think Yucatan guacamole featuring flavors from the Yucatan peninsula including shrimp ceviche, spicy salsa habanero, salsa fresca, and orange, and the Baja guacamole made with kiwi, jicama, strawberry, mango, mint, and chile arbole.
zocalo guacamole festivalThese are all prepared tableside (#ballin’) in one of those rock bowl things (official name), plus specialty cocktails include a kiwi margarita and spiked agua fresca. Cheers to THAT.

El Taco 
Go for the food (salsa bar, anyone?), but stay for the $4 pineapple-infused tequila shots (my favorite shot besides Fireball), $12 Dos Equis buckets, and $12 22-ounce El Jimador house margaritas. One of them gives you a nice buzz; two of them will have you drunk texting your ex (I would know). Speaking of last year, we received giveaways like T-shirts and piñata figurines whilst celebrating the holiday at the ol’ El Tac. el taco cinco de mayo resizeMaybe this is standard practice, or the bartender (also a dolphin trainer, go figure) was just flirting with us, but either way, expect to leave with something (it may not be your dignity). El Taco’s shenanigans are happening Saturday through Monday.

Watch until the end as this mariachi band performs at a wedding…

…and these mother fockers don’t even clap!? In fact, they get silent! HOW DO YOU NOT CLAP FOR A MARIACHI BAND? It’s like, the happiest type of band that has ever existed. I hear the word mariachi band and I want to yell OLE! If the bride and groom were in that crowd, I wish them a lifetime of misery without guac and margaritas and bad sex. Assholes.

This is how it should be:

I posed the question to my social media outlets and the answers started FLOWING (get it?). Based on my personal experience and suggestions by a slew of alcoholics Atlantans, here are the ten places for the best and/or strongest ‘ritas in the city:

Nuevo Laredo (Westside): One Cadillac on an empty stomach while you’re waiting for your table = highway to the Danger Zone. Get the Grand Marnier floater if you’re a BOSS.

Georgia Grille (Buckhead): Apparently you need to get the bartender named Booty to make them. I’m just the messenger.agave margaritas

El Myr (Little Five): Where hipsters get white girl wasted. Also there’s a Mexican Car Bomb for $3 (7 oz. Corona topped with tequila).

Zocalo (Midtown): When you’re in the heart of the gayborhood, you better be serving stiff drinks.

Agave (Grant Park): This joint (pictured at left) is consistently voted best in the city by every magazine and all the margs are made with fresh-squeezed lime juice (at least they WERE until the Mexican drug cartel started being dicks).

Holy Taco (East Atlanta): The organic margs are killer, and they have $15 pitchers on Mondays. Because you always need an excuse to get hammered on Mondays.

Mezcalito’s (Oakhurst, Grant Park): They have a little something called the Devil’s Water. So when you end up naked on top of your neighbor’s Honda Prelude wearing a Mexican flag thong and covered in queso, you can literally say, “The devil made me do it.”

Tin Lizzy’s (All over ITP + Perimeter): Get the Fall Off the House with High Octane tequila (sounds dangerous) or my personal favorite, the Beach House coconut margarita. Betcha’ can’t have just one six.

Across the Street (Old Fourth Ward): Since Pozole closed (their jalapeno margs were my fave), Across the Street is a go-to for its spicy ‘rita.

Pure Taqueria (Inman Park): The bartenders don’t play around here. I recommend the Texas or Michele (Grand Marnier floater for the win). Pure also serves a “shorty,” which is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of. Who wants a shot of margarita? No one.

Pancho’s (Buford Highway): Home of the MONSTER MARGARITA. I have never left Pancho’s sober.

Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone, and please drink responsibly (which means at least wearing a sombrero).


Stache Dash photos (top 2) by ATL Nightlife

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