Bananas are the Ryan Gosling of fruit. For the past six months, I’ve been eating a banana every day (sometimes TWO) and it has been a life changer. Check out the reasons why nature’s yellow boomerang is truly the most glorious of all.

1. Beats bloat. If you’re swollen from a salty meal (read: 829374928374 tortilla chips and cheese dip), the high potassium content counters the sodium causing water retention. And if you’re puffy from your period, it helps then, too (praise Jesus).

2. Sanitary/convenient. What other fruit that’s sitting in a grimy 7-11 off I-85 would you pick up and put in your mouth? EXACTLY. Bananas come in their own, germ-proof case that’s easy to peel off and toss. Try grabbing a pineapple next time you’re rushing out the door on the way to work and see how that goes.

3. HANGOVER CURE. My hangovers have been much less debilitating since I started crushing bananas. This is when you have to double up though. Wake up, chug water, pound two bananas, and feel better instantly. They provide lost electrolytes and obviously replenish the potassium those 17 Fireball shots stripped from you. They’re also known to help with nausea/morning sickness.

4. Oral sex practice. Remember when I interviewed a bunch of gay men about sex tips? Many of them said to practice fellatio on a banana. If you bite a piece off (or it has a bunch of teeth marks on it when you remove it from your mouth), you need to keep practicing. And apologize to all the guys you’ve BJ’d.

Also, if you’re trying to work on your condom game…

5. They make your hair better. Here we go again, ol’ Hess bragging about her lovely lady locks. But WHATEVER, I have noticed my hair is even thicker and silkier than it was a few months ago, and the only thing I’ve changed diet-wise is my banana intake. You do the math.

6. Amazing pre- and post-workout food. Flywheel instructor/Nike trainer/girl crush Cara Weaver swears by bananas, and since we all want her body, we should, too. Since I started eating a banana with peanut butter (or smoothie with banana and peanut butter) every morning before a sweat sesh, I swear I have been performing better. The perfect amount of natural sugar you need + peanut butter for protein = WORK OUT LIKE A BOSS. And they prevent cramping (duh).

7. Fun to spell. “THIS SHIT IS BANANAS. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.” Can we bring that back? Ok, great.

8. They make you happy. Bananas have a calming, mood-boosting effect due to the tryptophan, a building block of serotonin. Studies also suggest that this amino acid plays a role in preserving memory and helping depression. SO PUT AWAY THE ZOLOFT AND EAT A DAMN BANANA.

9. Cheap. The best fruit is literally the cheapest fruit. I mean, in what other industry is that the case? Not alcohol, that’s for sure. I purchase fair trade bananas when I can, but I’ve been known to pick them up gas stations, too. And when I go to NYC, I’m like a kid in a candy store monkey in a banana tree.
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10. Always in season. Bananas are grown year-round, which means you can always get fresh, delicious ones and never have to deal with a sorry display of overly priced bullshit. (No offense, strawberries.)

11. They help with itching. Well, not in all areas (see your gyno for that). But if you rub the inside of a banana peel on a mosquito bite, poison ivy, etc., it can neutralize the itching. Just one tip: Don’t keep banana peels laying around your house unless you like stank and flies.

12. Live long. The oldest man in the world died last year at age 112 (one tweezy) and credited his long life to eating a banana every day. As Trey said in this blog, “Now, who wants to live to 112? Nobody. Everyone you know will be dead. Your parents, kids, friends, everyone. That sounds horrible. However, long live the banana.” He’s right, but let’s be real; none of us are going to live that long (no offense; I just know you fools like to party). On the scientific side, “A high potassium intake is associated with a 20% decreased risk of dying from all causes.ALL CAUSES!? Pass me a bushel.

Lastly, to all the girls who think bananas have too much sugar and will ruin their low-carb/juice only/air diets, please check yourself before you wreck yourself. This chick eats about 649573495734985 bananas a day and has a damn Gisele body:
freelee banana girl

Granted, she’s super active and doesn’t drink (ugh), but still. Stick to a (relatively) clean eating lifestyle, get your cardio and weights in, crush bananas, be great at sex, and live forever. Thank me later.


Follow on Instagram @AshHess for banana pics and more!

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Fitness + Health, Food + Drink


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