There are stupid/impractical/heinous fashion trends for women all the time (see: the ’90s), but that’s what being female is all about. However, when outlandish styles surface for men, they must be addressed. I have my opinions (OBVI), but I called in our resident dude-bestie-blogger Trey to give his compelling insight into some of these confusing new clothing items popping up at your local J. Crew, sex shop, or Internets…

1. The Short Suit. Oh yes, it’s a thing. THANKS A LOT, PHARRELL.

j crew short suit
She says: If you’re a male model or skinny hipster, you can probably pull this off, but if you’re an average dude, you will look stupid. Also, don’t even try to tell me the fellas at Goldman Sachs are rocking these to business meetings. Still, it wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me, but if you’re going attempt this look, please do it in style. Don’t you dare wear your Gap khaki shorts and navy sport coat to a damn wedding.

He says: Where exactly would one wear a “short suit”? I assume this design was inspired by newscasters and assholes. Perfect for soccer players, yet terrible for every other male human on the earth with disastrous hairy legs or little bitch legs like mine.

2. Meggings.
I can’t.
meggings body
She says: As much as I love the male body, I don’t want to see the outline of your penis through your pants while I’m at brunch. Also, I’m envisioning a sweaty situation in your ball region. Save these for costumes only and spray maximum strength Degree down there beforehand.

He says: Hell yes! Finally men can catch up with chicks who wear yoga pants ALL THE DAMN TIME. You tell me David Lee Roth and Tommy Lee looked dumb in tights in 1994 and I will punch you in the face.

3. The unilateral thong.
Yes, this gem has been making the rounds on the Web with lots of confusion and a lot less lady boners than the hot convict.
male unilateral thong
She says:
Why God why? Because the Speedo is too much material? This napkin square of a junk covering is the equivalent to a girl wearing nipple tassels and this in public:
c-string thongIn other words: Not ok.

He says: While this jewel provides endless sunburn opportunities in bizarre places, the mechanics of the side sling are terribly wrong. Of course, that is unless there is a simple fishing line we can’t see running the opposite way around the other hip securing said garment to the body. You will also need to go to chiropractor after prolonged use to correct imbalance in the unit. However, God bless a male swimsuit that will fit in your sunglass case.

4. Short shorts.
Good ol’ Southern boys have been wearing Daisy Dukes (and somehow getting laid) for ages, but now the trend appears to be spreading elsewhere. Great.
guys in short shorts
guy short shorts
She says: I’ve never been a fan of seeing dudes’ hairy, un-tanned, upper thigh regions on display in broad daylight, so I say keep the shorts to right above the knee (unless you literally look like Magnum PI). Short shorts are for chicks. What’s next, you want to borrow our rompers?

He says: Last I checked, shorts are supposed to be short; hence the name, shorts. Come to think of it, shorts is a funny word. Say it a few times in your head. Shorts. Long shorts is an oxymoron. Or hyperbole. Or paradox. Or whatever the bullshit word for ‘not right’ is. Sorry grammar police. Regardless, wear whatever you want, but if your scrotum is showing, your shorts are probably not long enough.

There you have it, fashionistas and metrosexuals. And remember, while these trends may be ridiculous and we advise against some of them for getting laid purposes, you can pull off anything as long as you do it confidently. Well, except Ed Hardy. Never Ed Hardy.

Hess + Trey

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