Sometimes you can’t help but judge. Like if you met someone and they (seriously) said, “Look me up on MySpace,” I hope you’d back away as quickly as possible. Luckily, no legitimate human being still uses MySpace so that would never actually happen, but there are PLENTY of other things people still do that blow my Goddamn mind.
1. Tanning beds.
Ladies (and some gents): ARE YOU SERIOUS? If someone said, “Why don’t you lay inside this coffin filled with dangerous, fake sunlight rays and give yourself cancer with a side of premature wrinkles?”, would you do it? Yes, apparently you would if you currently have a monthly membership at Hollywood Tans. And if you’re still sticking a Playboy bunny sticker on your hip, for the love of God, move to central Florida, buy a trailer, and find a guy with a rat tail.
(And you ladies who claim to use the tanning bed to clear up a “skin condition,” I have breaking news for you: Tanning beds cause another skin condition. It’s called cancer. I’d rather have a rash.)
2. Acrylic nails.
While I’m getting a mani, I like to ask the nail tech in my bitchiest tone possible, “Do you guys even DO acrylic nails here?” because it always gets a laugh. But the answer is YES. Women still get these atrocious accouterments because they A) Have not heard of gel nails and/or B) Have not heard that’s it’s no longer 1998. As for French tip acrylic nails, y’all know I just can’t.
3. Watch soap operas.
This one really baffles me. With all of the gloriously trashy/dramatic reality television out there, some ladies still opt for the horrendous acting, vapid plot lines, and ‘90s-chic sets of General Hospital, The Young and the Restless, et al. Have these poor viewers never heard of BRAVO!?
4. Drive to an ATM or bank to deposit checks.
Confession time. A year ago (or maybe six months, whatever) I was still getting in my car when I had checks to deposit (newsflash: not everyone does direct deposit in the freelance world). One day I was at the drive-through, and the senior citizen teller shouted through the loudspeaker: “You know you can deposit checks on your smart phone.” I drove home embarrassed, downloaded the Bank of America app, and haven’t been back to the bank since.
5. Listen to Nickelback.
Let’s be honest: Nickelback has never been cool. But maybe when they first came out, you kinda’ liked song or two (I mean I didn’t, but to each her own). But people are still listening to Chad Kroeger belt out God-awful lyrics sounding like he’s sitting on the toilet straining for dear life. Why God why?
8. Wear Ed Hardy.
Tattoos on T-shirts! What a genius idea! But seriously…is Ed Hardy actually still in business? How is it possible that men are still wearing this bedazzled bullshit? The same douchebags who love Nickelback took this brand, chewed it up, and spit it right back out through their Marlboro-stained teeth. Then they said something dumb like, “YOLO!” or “Merica!” Also, Jon Gosselin.
9. Eat McDonald’s…sober.
There have been points in my drunkenness when I’d have eaten my own toenail clippings dipped in queso. EW. But sober/coherent is a whole different story. By now we know that McDonald’s hamburgers and nuggets are a nice hybrid of high-sodium mystery “meat” and shame, yet people flock to the chain for a SOBER LUNCH…on a Tuesday…in their business attire. I’d rather go hangry.
10. Crush energy drinks.
You’re drinking three Monsters a day while listening to Hoobastank Pandora at your desk? Cool. Have fun dying early. Seriously people; stop this madness. Cut back slowly until you don’t need these toxic beverages anymore and/or switch to coffee. I CARE ABOUT YOU.
11. Get Catfished.
Not only do people still get duped by their Internet soulmates, but there’s a whole damn show dedicated to it (which I may or may not have watched four episodes of this past Sunday). But 9 times out of 10, I am left thinking if the “victim” had an IQ above 50 and used an ounce of brainpower, he/she wouldn’t have needed Nev and his silver fox sidekick. For the record, if you’ve been Facebook messaging with someone for four years, but they won’t speak to you on the phone, there’s probably something fishy going on. AND WHY HAS NO ONE HEARD OF GOOGLE?
12. Buy CDs.
Can someone please explain this phenomenon to me? I know people still buy CDs because I see them at Starbucks. This means folks are paying upwards of $16 for a dozen songs of which they can only listen to in their car, on their Aiwa home stereo, or on their Discman at the gym. Or maybe people are buying CDs then importing them into their iTunes library and transferring those tunes to their iPods? I couldn’t even type that sentence without laughing.
(That’s a real photo I took at the airport, btw.) I have friends who smoke, and they know I despise it as much as they know it’s a disgusting, unhealthy habit. I’m not going to get too #MeanGirl on this one, but for the love of God, yourself, and everyone around you when you decide to light up, please stop. Or at least switch to vaporizers.
14. Have belly button piercings over the age of 30.
I remember being in the shower on my 25th birthday (getting ready for a dinner at which I would black out and cry), looking down at my belly ring, and saying, “Girl, it’s time to go.” I took it out and never looked back (except on Halloween). Thirty-something ladies, you’re a full decade older than the appropriate age for this body accessory. Take it out and put it in your Hope Chest. And if you are wearing belly chains and dangly belly rings, you are a lost cause and please refer to the relocation instructions in #2.
15. Use email providers such as Yahoo and Hotmail. I’m not even going to address AOL and MSN because you people aren’t worth my time (no offense, Dad). For this one, older folks get a pass, but if you’re under the age of 45 and still using Yahoo or Hotmail, you have got to get your shit together. You do realize your inbox is probably 90% spam and you’re also spamming your friends every other month when you get hacked, right? Also, Gmail is so much more efficient, organized, and aesthetically pleasing. I logged into my old Hotmail account for something a few months ago and the layout almost burned my retinas.
Welcome to 2014, lovers.
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