Remember back when I BANDITED the Georgia Half-Marathon and the Internet exploded with hateful runners who felt my selfie stunt robbed them of their running experiences for the rest of eternity?
Well because I’m a terrible person and total narcissist, love to steal, refuse to pay for anything that goes to a good cause, and basically hate America (and babies, puppies, and all minorities), I figured I would literally STEAL Atlanta’s greatest Fourth of July tradition: The Peachtree Road Race. Why pay for a number when the roads are public and you can save that cash for hookers and heroine later? My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Now even though I only ran about 50 feet alongside my registered runner friend for encouragement whilst wearing flip flops and with a drink in hand, I am still 100% CERTAIN that this stunt completely ruined the race for the 17 trillion runners, caused NUMEROUS safety hazards, made Obama cry, and killed a puppy somewhere (which is good because I hate them).
But because those catastrophes weren’t enough to satisfy my black soul, I decided to take the rest of the morning during the race to steal everything in my sights. Sorry everyone, but THAT’S WHAT BANDITS DO.
First I stole this guy’s race bib straight from his mother f*cking crotch so people would think HE was a bandit and beat him up before he crossed the finish line. And everyone knows the paramedics won’t help a grown man in Daisy Dukes.
I copped this bike, then rode it to the finish line, dumped it in a bush, and ran across the finish line to come in first place. Then I rode the bike back to the tailgate and continued the THEFT SPREE.
I stole Wonder Woman’s superpowers, straight from her armpits.
I heisted this dog then took it straight to an illegal dog-fighting ring in Bankhead. Good luck out there, sweet Goldendoodle.
I swiped this Kill Cliff sports drink. Even though the guy that handed it to me is a close friend and works for the brand, I’m sure that me taking this specific beverage caused a legitimate runner to get dehydrated and pass out mid-race, so MISSION COMPLETE.
Actually this guy did pass out from dehydration.
And I took a selfie with him because I’m a heartless bitch.
I stole a high-five from this guy (and about 39274892374 others). TAKE THAT, AMERICA.
I swiped this guy’s trumpet, then smacked him in the face with it and told him he was no longer welcome in MY marching band. Then I played Nickelback songs instead of the Star Spangled Banner.
I thieved this Indian headdress, then I wore it to an Indian reservation later that day because they find it offensive when white people do that. GO ME.
I took Kate Middleton’s engagement dress (she deserved it) then lifted this American flag straight off the Capital Building. (I put in WERK, y’all.)
And last but certainly not least, I Grand Theft Auto’d THE FUR BUS.
Drinking and driving? I mean, is there any other way?
When’s the next race?
Follow more antics on Instagram @AshHess!