OF COURSE I WATCHED THIS TRAINWRECK, HAVE WE MET? A bunch of hot, desperate singles who I kinda’ feel like I already know because I’ve been watching this damn show for a decade (FML) and they’re in my homeland(ish) of Mexico!? Set the DVR and pass me the guac.

There was one really strong moment of the premiere and I’ll get to that, but first, let me recap the momentous first episode of this future Emmy winner.

First of all, the show is all losers cast-offs from The Bachelor and Bachelorette. Each week, contestants get date cards and they pick people to take on FANTASY DATES. Then there is a rose ceremony where either the ladies or dudes pick significant others (it alternates each week I’m guessing) and the leftovers go home. The point is to find love find someone who likes having sex with you so they will keep you around. I don’t know if there is prize money or if the only reason these people want to stay is so they can be in Mexico, in which case, I guess they didn’t realize they could have booked a trip to Mexico by themselves and saved the public humiliation of ABC turning them into desperate crazies. But whatever. Maybe they’re getting paid per episode. Maybe they like the airtime because they are actually all desperate crazies. Who knows.

All you need to know from last night is that there is a “free spirit” (read: easy lay) named Lacy with huge tan tits, so all the guys think she is beautiful. You don’t know her because she literally went home the first night of Juan Pablo’s season, which is shocking because he seems like the kind of guy who would go for huge tan tits. Maybe she got them after the show. Again, WHO KNOWS. So she makes out with this guy Robert, who I can’t believe I don’t remember from Des’ season because he’s super hot…bachelor-in-paradise-11
…but MARCUS (yes, from Andi’s season) beats Hottie McHotterson to the punch at the rose ceremony, gives Lacy the rose, she takes it, and…SPOILER ALERT…now they’re engaged! You pissed? Sorry, but this isn’t The Bachelor/Bachelorette and you should not give a shit that I just told you that meaningless piece of information.

Also, at one point, Robert says Lacy is “smart” and I also spit out my ice cream (YEAH I EAT ICE CREAM AND WATCH TERRIBLE TV ON MONDAYS, SO SUE ME). Then he called her a “good girl” and I actually choked. I bet he regrets those sentiments now.

Here’s a fun PicStitch I did that sums up Lacy.

Sarah (from Sean’s season) is there, and I think she’s so sweet and cool and needs to stop doing these dumb shows. At one point, her half-arm was blowing in the coastal breeze and it made me feel weird. Not in an “Ew gross” way, but in a “I wonder what that feels like” way. I digress. She likes Marcus but apparently he likes ladies with fake body parts, so maybe if she had a prosthetic, things would work out. Sarah, say sayonara to ABC, work on your blog, and find a dude with some depth who doesn’t give a shit about reality TV. Thank me later.

AshLee (officially the dumbest spelling/capitalization of my name I’ve ever seen) from Sean’s season is still beautiful, but even CRAZIER than we thought before, further establishing the validity of the hot-crazy matrix, where she definitely falls in the ‘restraining order zone.’ She says she stalked Graham on social media and only went on the show because she heard he was going to be there. She gets mad at him on day 2, cries in the bathroom, refuses to talk to him, then tells him she thought they “were going to ride off into the sunset together”……on day 3. Also at one point, she says, “I’m the only normal person here besides him.” I choked again. This show is a health risk. But apparently they made up because she is hot, and he gave her the rose. Love will find a way.

Also, all the girls wore Steve Madden wedges and the guys wore capri pants because fashion.

Some chick Elise from some season (who knows, who cares) admitted to falling in love with Dylan (from Andi’s season) at first sight, even though he had massive pit stains when they met. All I could think when Dylan greeted anyone was that he had just taken a shit and not washed his hands.

Michelle Money shows up mid-show with a date card (clearly not fair, but NO ONE fucks with the Bachelor’s bad bitch and Chris Harrison’s fave) and takes Marquel out. I loved ever second of it, came up with their couple name (#Marchelle, duh), and hope they get married and have beautiful mixed babies. Also on their date, they rode horses, and during the rose ceremony, Michelle looked like she had a permed horse tail on her head. Coincidence, I guess.
michelle money hair

The other Michelle (creepy weirdo from Jake’s season) removed herself (why was she even on the show?) before roses started flying, and Daniella (Sean’s season) went home because she has low boobs and an even lower IQ. Or in her words from the show, “Maybe I’m just in delusional.”

And then there’s Crazy Clare. She’s still the same 33-year-old Taylor Swift, but doesn’t seem AS terrible on this show thanks to AshLee’s batshit-ness and Lacy’s sluttiness. She had drama (if you didn’t watch, it’s not really important), but ABC edited this gem of a scene together, fully restoring our faith in them so that we may continue to watch their bullshit shows.

I probably won’t be doing any more full-length recaps of this disaster, but if I continue to watch it (who am I kidding, I will), I’ll be snarking over on The Twitter @AshHess.

See you in paradise,

*Top image and first image from hollywoodlife.com

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