Well maybe not EVERYTHING, but these 10 random questions come pretty close to uncovering all of Iliza Shlesinger’s deepest secrets, regrets, and freaky fetishes (hint: bacon). You may know the on-the-rise comedian from her widespread bit about girls night/girls hating each other, which I couldn’t relate to because I love my girlfriends more than nachos and Plan B (what?), but you can’t deny she’s a hilarious, gives-zero-fucks chick. Or maybe you know her from winning Last Comic Standing (which I could probably never get on because you can’t curse and talk about vibrators on network TV but whatever), The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon (among many other shows), her Comedy Central special, or her one-hour special War Paint (iTunes, Netflix, VHS), with gems like this:
She’s coming to the Atlanta Improv this Thursday through Saturday (you can win tickets below!), and I was #blessed with the opportunity to ask her my burning questions. Check ’em out and love her even more.
1. What’s the most crazy/stalker thing you’ve ever done?
One time I kidnapped a guy’s brother because of this weird drug deal that had gone bad. Ugh it was so awkward, we ended up having to kill the kid… Oh wait, that was the movie Alpha Dog.
2. Worst thing about being on the road?
Probably the acne I get from airplane travel. Also the rage I get from airplane travel. Also airplane travel.
3. What do you find to be the most annoying thing on social media?
How comedians can never just say, “This is my friend who accomplished something amazing, I’m so proud, check out their album.” It’s always this like, “This idiot put out an album, check it out.” Like comics always have to act like they are too cool to be proud of their friends due to their underlying jealousy. It’s never just unabashed pride for their friend and their art.”
4. I love Blanche (your dog). Do you take her everywhere? If she could talk, who/what would she sound like?
I take her everywhere as long as it isn’t too big of a hassle and as long as it won’t scare her– found out the hard way she doesn’t like night clubs…or the ocean at night. If she could talk it would sound like a combination of angels singing and meat being squeezed!
5. Have you been to Atlanta before? If so, what did you think?
I’ve been to Atlanta–just the Improv last year. I know there are a lot of black people, so that’s cool. Um, Buckhead is pretty? I’ll be honest; I mostly was just in the club or hotel sleeping. Maybe I’ll see more this time.
6. Marry, fuck, kill: Anthony Jeselnick, Daniel Tosh, Chris D’elia.
Killing any of these guys would be a disservice to stand up. Fucking any of these guys would just result in me asking them how I compare to all the hot chicks they sleep with, and marrying any of them would be less of a marriage and more of us just running bits by each other.
7. Three favorite Instagrams to follow?
I enjoy Fuck Jerry. I follow and unfollow Ice JJ Fish because I’m constantly fascinated with the fact that a person like that exists and taught themselves how to use a phone. I used to follow Terrio, then I realized I was contributing to the approval of a child being morbidly obese and slowly dying for us on camera, so I had to unfollow, because of, ya know, my conscience. I like anything with an animal being silly. Really the only benefit of following a good Instagram is so you have something to scroll through when you’re bored on a plane…or in bed…or on the toilet.
8. Favorite “splurge” food?
I try to get bacon on everything. I don’t believe in splurging really; eat what you want and don’t be an idiot about it– that’s the key to health!
(Note to self: Eat more bacon.)
9. What’s the dumbest and/or funniest text you have in your phone right now?
I woke up this morning with a puffy eye, not sure why, couldn’t tell if it was an allergy or a reaction to some medicine. So I texted my doctor a pic of what I called my “lizard eye,” and I said “This picture was taken when I had just woken up.” And my DOCTOR wrote back “#Flawless #IWokeUpLikeThis,” and I died laughing. Then changed doctors.
10. What question do you hate answering in interviews?
“What was it like to win Last Comic Standing?” Let’s see, I won a $250,000 and network show, how do you think that felt? Like a burning sensation? Use your imagination, felt great. Can we move on?
I’m giving away two pairs of tickets to see Iliza this weekend (showtimes here). All you have to do is answer any one of the above questions (like, using information about yourself) with a comment below. Make sure to have the “post to Facebook” box checked. I’ll choose the winners at random and get them set up for their showtimes by 10 a.m. Thursday. And I’ll be at the 8 p.m. show on Saturday if you want to come to that one and watch me
guzzle sip vodka and laugh loudly.