#NewYear……#NewYou. How about we put aside your unrealistic resolutions of quadrupling your income, getting Gisele’s body or Ryan Gosling’s face, and finding love on FarmersOnly.com and talk about what really matters: Your social media accounts. Our old pal Trey and I have long discussed how social media is completely out of control (yet we spend 19.5 hours a day on it), and want to bring some of these issues to light. We collaborated on the 15 things you should do/stop doing in 2015. Thank us hate us later.

15. Stop flipping the bird in pictures. Are you literally trying to tell everybody in the ENTIRE WORLD to fuck off? Well that’s not nice. Your mother would be disappointed. Stoned rappers, female prisoners, and Rihanna can flick the bird in pictures. Not normal human beings with college degrees.

14. Hey hot chicks–try smiling in pictures instead of the duck face in the club.
There is nothing more beautiful than a smile. And there is nothing stupider than an attractive girl fouling up her face with duck lips. Get it? Fouling? Like fowl? Google it. Never mind. And you can say you were “joking” or being ironic with your duck face, but if it walks smiles like a duck, it’s a duck. Also, you probably don’t know what ironic actually means.

13. Stop believing/sharing hoaxes and reposting clickbait
(ie. “This miniature horse invaded a trailer park and you’ll never believe what happened next!!!”). And if you posted that copyright status that just went viral this week (AGAIN), you are a complete idiot.

Screen Shot 2015-01-06 at 1.57.10 AM(PS, I might click on that miniature horse/trailer park article tho…)

12. Quit writing entire paragraphs in hashtags.
#It #Is #Annoying #As #Shit #And #You #Probably #Dont #Even #Know #What #A #Hashtag #Is #Supposed #To #Be #Used #For #And #Also #NoOne #On #Instagram #Is #Searching #Your #Stupid #Hashtags.

11. Snapchat like you have a brain.
 If you are a dude and send out a bakers dozen of dick pics daily please note that anyone with a preschool level IQ has figured out how to save the pictures and mass text them to everyone they know.
Also, just try to be funny/creative/artistic and not boring AF; that’s what your Instagram is for.

10. Stop pretending you’re a model on Instagram and posting 234924239472 photos of your face and/or body a day.
That’s a car selfie, not a professional headshot, and that’s a mirror pic in your bathroom, not a fitness photo shoot. You’re embarrassing.

9. Don’t post an up-close, filtered-as-fuck pic of your self-proclaimed beautiful face and caption it “Hope everyone has a great day!” How does my day get better because you think you are pretty? It doesn’t. And you are not contributing anything to anyone besides a few loser guys who just got boners browsing The Chive and are going to comment about how hot you are in hopes they can take you out to Olive Garden next Friday night and get an HJ. But we digress. Send a naked Snapchat if you really want to make someone’s day.

8. Don’t poke strangers.
Would you go up to a stranger on the street and touch them? Don’t answer that. Poke your friends/crush/boss all you want; that’s funny. But a poke from a complete random? I assume he has a white unmarked van and some Bill Cosby herbal tea just waiting for me.
(Trey sidenote: I think you should poke three new people a day, every day, for fun. I am a lover of the poke and anyone that takes pokes seriously.)


7. If you have a Pinterest “wedding inspiration” board and you’re not engaged, make that shit private. 
Can you make a Pinterest board private? I have no idea but you better believe if I had a goddamn collage of my wedding ideas (and I don’t even have a significant other), I would have that shit locked down like Alcatraz. Screen Shot 2015-01-06 at 2.21.28 AMBut even better, instead of daydreaming about your #fairytale wedding with a dude-to-be-named-later, do something more worthwhile with your time like reading, yoga, or setting career goals. Or Tindering.

6. Don’t like 10 (or even 5) of someone’s Instagram pics in a row
unless A) They’re your best friend then who cares, B) You’re being intentionally creepy/funny, C) You were in every single one of the pics, or D) You have finger spasms you can’t control.


Starbucks is #thirsty.

5. Stop asking people to play Candy Crush/requesting lives on Facebook. We get it, you can’t get past level 6 on the world’s dumbest game. Shave your back, leave the house, and try talking to other human beings for a change.
regina 4

4. Limit pet pics to less than 50% of your posts
(I’m being generous so you animal lovers don’t sic your #Adorbs #Pitbull #Rescues on us). You love your dog. Fine. We don’t.
IMG_0456Neal does have a point though…

3. For the love of gawd, stop doing @Username when you comment on someone’s Instagram photo. 
If you comment on their photo, they get the notification; no need to double up by using their name. Who are you, your mother? (PS, nothing better than watching a mom try repeatedly to zoom on Insta.)

2. Alright ladies, enough of the side boob pics.
We know you think it’s subtle and classy, but the only thing it’s more subtle and classier than is a topless selfie. What? The only reason you are emphasizing the side boob is because they are big and fake. You know what a fake boob looks like from the side? This:
Screen Shot 2015-01-06 at 2.29.22 AM
(Trey wrote that, surprisingly.)

1. Stop threatening to get off Facebook
(has anyone ever asked you to stay?), sharing articles of how Facebook is invading your privacy and complaining about how terrible Facebook is and how it’s going to ruin your life and the world. Yes it probably is, but you’re not going anywhere.

As for the other outlets, do whatever you want on Twitter; unless you’re a celeb or big company people want to send hate tweets to, no one cares. And same for Google+ – no one uses that shit.

#StayBlessed y’all.

Hess and Trey

For more ish like this:
The Five Most Annoying Facebook Posts About Being Engaged
The 10 Worst Things New and Expecting Moms Post on Facebook
What if Guys Acted Like Girls on Instagram

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