I knew I was a fan of Jessimae Peluso when I watched her on MTV Girl Code but I didn’t know I had a full-blown girl crush on her until we talked on the phone this week and my boyfriend walked in and said, “You don’t sound that excited when you talk to me.”

And of course I was like

JK I was like

He doesn’t get it.

Anyway, Jessimae (pronounced “Jessie May”) and I chit-chatted about life, love, and lube, and now I’m even more excited for her shows at the Atlanta Improv this weekend. See what this hilarious comedian has to say about the Kardashians, babies, Donald Trump, weird sexual experiences, and the one place she wants to go in Atlanta.

Me: Have you been to Atlanta before?
Jessimae: No, but I cannot wait. I’ve been thinking about this gig for a while. Everyone has told me about the Clermont Lounge. All I know is there are some old bitches.

Yes, it’s where strippers go to die. I’ve seen boobs where I was like, I didn’t know that even happened to women’s bodies. And of course there’s Blondie who crushes PBR cans between her tits. Then she’ll sign the can and give you a plastic baggie to take it home with you.
You know, I think about what people leave behind, their legacy. And if mine was to crush beer cans between my tits, I would be ok with that.

Same. Okay, thoughts on Donald Trump?
He’s a product of what society has become and how people consume entertainment. He knows how to get a reaction; he’s like a YouTube video running for office. It’s like, is he serious or not? It’s like the Andy Kaufman thing. He could come out and be like, “You fucking idiots, you really thought I was running for presidency?” Or he could be like, “Yeah, I’m here and you’re all idiots for voting me in.” I wouldn’t be surprised if he made it all the way through; that seems like the way things have been going in this generation.

And another asshole in the news — The Fat Jew.
I don’t like that the industry has been supporting his whole thing. He doesn’t properly credit people and it is fucked up. I write and perform my own stuff. I’m attracted to people who create their own content. I don’t think he has talent; I haven’t seen it yet. Maybe he should become a manager or agent. Because he’s finding funny things. But just because you can find funny things doesn’t mean you’re funny. Maybe he should grow out the rest of his hair, put on a suit, and get in line with the rest of these fucking business guys trying to make money off their clients.
*Fun fact: The Fat Jew was signed to CAA, which is Jessimae’s talent agency…along with Jimmy Fallon, Chelsea Handler, etc.

He grosses me out. So who do you like to follow on Instagram?
I like the fitness accounts. Sometimes if I need to work out, I’ll play those videos. I look like I’m watching cat videos but really I’m just trying to do lunges and squats. People go to Instagram for funny stuff, but since that’s my industry, I do the opposite. I like romantic shit, too. I like squat videos and like, a sunset pic.

Fitness “models” are my favorite thing on Instagram to make fun of.
Oh definitely. It’s a whole generation now. “Oh you’re a stay-at-home mom? Make a million dollars off videos of you doing bicep curls with your toddlers.”

And the Kardashians?
There’s not a lot I dislike in culture (besides your obvious dictators, racism, etc.). The Kardashians have managed to propel themselves into a singular access of hatred for me. The only one I really like is Khloe because she’s “the funny one.” But she has to be because everyone says she’s the least attractive. For the record, I think she’s funny and attractive. But overall, I think what they stand for and what they promote and how they came about–even back to their father defending OJ Simpson–is no bueno. They’re [brainwashing] teenage girls like Hitler did to his people. It’s not realistic to look like that. It’s poisoning the minds of young women at a rapid rate. I remember growing up and looking at magazines and being like, “I don’t look like these girls. Am I supposed to look like these girls?” And I was pretty confident growing up! I can’t imagine what it’s like for girls now.

I feel so unbelievably lucky to have grown up before the social media age. Speaking of how they came about, have you seen the Kim K sex tape?
(Laughs) Yes I have a funny story about that. I was supposed to go on a date with this guy in Syracuse. He was supposed to come to my show. He ended up not coming but was like, “Why don’t you come over afterward?” It was me, my sister, and my mom, and when we walked in, he had that sex tape playing on his massive flat screen TV. My mom, my sister, and I walked in and Kim K is getting it [from behind] by Ray J and I’m like, “I’ll have a wine spritzer.” My mom’s like, “What kind of wines do you have by the box?” while Kim K is taking a money shot by Ray J in the background. (Pause) I really need to reasses the types of guys I let into my vagina. Maybe that’s why I can’t stand the Kardashians.

So you watched the Kim K sex tape with your mom. Awesome. What’s your take on babies?
I’m on the fence about [having] them. The only reason I think I want to is because my upbringing up to a certain age was pretty magical — until I was like 9, then it all fell to shit. But I would want to be able to provide that for somebody, but then again, I don’t know; it could be too much, the pressure of maintaining that for me. Like, I couldn’t keep it up. At one point, I’d be like, “Santa Clause isn’t real, your dad left us six years ago, and I fucking hate you.”

And not to mention what happens to your body. I was watching one of your clips about that.
Yeah, like I don’t know if it’s worth changing my body that much to end up maybe giving birth to another Manson. (Laughs)

Are you single?
I’m eternally single. That’s a wrap! I’ve been working so much and on the road. It’s different for girls. I don’t do one-night-stands; I’ve never had one in my life, I’m not going to start now. And it’s hard to date; it’s hard to find a guy who can handle what I do and not get insecure. I’m just waiting for Stamos to get his shit together and realize I’m adorable.

It is hard, I was single forever before I met my boyfriend….who is actually also in love with John Stamos.
(Laughs) Yeah he’s always been my ongoing thing. The career choice [of being a comedian]; I think you’re less attractive to men. By nature, men want to be the one to conquer and provide. And I have this career where I sorta’ have to be a guy as well as a female. I’m going to have to end up with like, The Rock or Stone Cold Steve Austin. Or a lumberjack. I’m going to need a lumberjack to be able to handle what I do. He can chop down trees and protect me and be too dumb to be insecure about what I do.

(Then we got into a whole separate conversation about relationships and my thoughts on what kind of guys alpha females should date and I’ll save that discussion for another time.)

What’s the weirdest thing a guy has ever done in the bedroom?
I was dating this one guy who was a racecar driver and he took the liberty to get lube and sex toys. First of all, listen buddy–if this is a new thing that we need lube, we need to address that situation. Talk to a bitch before you show up with a box of shit like it’s Christmas morning. But we can try it. I should have known it was bad because it was called “Wicked.” Wow this is great, put Wicked on my vagina. And he poured so much on me like I was a hotcake at IHOP. Like he was a goddamn line cook. I didn’t feel anything for a minute then it felt like the gates of hell had opened up on my vaginal walls. Like I was giving birth to Satan. I swelled up like a goddamn peach. And this mother fucker still wanted to go!

Yes! He would laugh if he read this. 

(And then we wrapped up the interview.)

Well thanks, I’ll see you at a show this weekend!
Yes, come to one of the late shows so we can go out after!


**You guys, Jessimae is headlining at the Improv all weekend long (Thurs-Sat) so get yer tickets HERE. Also, I’m offering a limited amount of totally FREE tickets – use code ‘eskimo’ at checkout. If the code doesn’t work, they’re gone k thx bye!

Also check out her podcast Sharp Tongue!

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