There’s a cute little political movement happening amongst Trump-supporters/Anti-Hillary-crazies this week that has fully amused me and a lot of my (intelligent) friends: BOYCOTT STARBUCKS BECAUSE THEY SUPPORT HILLARY!!!
I originally saw this OUTRAGE from one of my Facebook friends and decided to smear a steaming pile of sarcasm on the otherwise supportive comment thread (my since-deleted post was: “YOU GO GIRL!! LOVE THIS!! FUCK HILLARY!! FUCK WOMEN!! FUCK STARBUCKS!! VOTE FOR TRUMP!!!!”). I know what you’re thinking: Um Ashley, if you share this blog on Facebook, your friend is going to know you’re talking about her. Well guess what, guys — the walking talking dumpster fire that is Donald J. Trump is running for President and I actually know people voting for him, so at this point I have no fucks left to give.
But anyway, let’s get into it. Howard Schultz, the CEO of Starbucks, publicly endorsed Hillary Clinton and apparently some people who love their overpriced lattes as much as they hate immigrants were NOT HAPPY. Apparently, these people also think Starbucks is the first company to align themselves with the democratic candidate and this is their moment to TAKE A STAND against such blasphemy.
Let’s kick things off by saying that if you are posting about your Starbucks boycott on Facebook, you might want to know that Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg has publicly endorsed Hillary, and Facebook co-founder Dustin Moskovitz has pledged $20 million to Democratic-allied groups.
So, anti-Hillary-crazies: You can’t use Facebook anymore. Sorry.
(And let me just debunk the whole “But, but, wait…it’s different….because um, you don’t pay for Facebook! So you’re not actually supporting it! ZING!” Bless your heart — while you may not give Facebook actual dollars, you give them your time, personal info, whereabouts, thoughts, beliefs, buying patterns, Internet searches, clicks/likes/emotions, and ultimately your soul, and that is more valuable to them than any amount you’d be willing to pay for the service.)
So now that we’ve scratched Facebook (and that means Instagram, too!) off the list, here is a short list of all the things you can’t do if you’re BOYCOTTING CRIMINAL HILLARY CLINTON AND HER CROOKED SUPPORTERS:
This sucks a fat one for you anti-Hillary Skymiles members. Richard Anderson, Executive Chairman of Delta Air Lines, has endorsed her, so no more Sky Club for you! Better start looking into Southwest (their boarding process is kinda’ like Trump herding out all the Mexicans, you’ll love it!).
Shop at Costco
Say sayonara to buying toilet paper by the ton. Jim Sinegal, co-founder, director and former CEO of Costco, is an HRC supporter. You’re really gonna’ miss that discounted white zin. 🙁
Stay in an Airbnb
I have a feeling a lot of anti-Hillary/Team-Trump folks prefer rooms at the Radisson over Airbnb homes, but let’s address this one anyway. Airbnb co-founders Nathan Blecharczyk (CTO), Brian Chesky (CEO), Joe Gebbia (CPO), and my friend Liza who works there have all endorsed Mrs. Clinton.
Stay in a Choice Hotel
I know what you’re saying after that last one: “I don’t need no fancy schmancy Airbnb when I travel; I prefer the EconoLodge anyway!” Think again. Stewart Bainum Jr., Chairman of Choice Hotels International, endorses Hillary. Choice Hotels include: Comfort Inn, Quality Inn, Sleep Inn, EconoLodge, and a whole slew of your other luxurious go-tos.
Watch the Kardashians or Listen to Kanye West
Scoff/hate all you want, but we’ve all been sucked into a KUWTK marathon on a hungover Sunday and you know Kanye’s songs (and sneakers) are fire. Bid adieu to all of that because #Kimye has been Team Trillary since day one. And honestly, you should probably just stay away from the entire E! Network and all rap music in general.
Credit: Kim Kardashian Instagram
HAHAHA this one is a joke — like any of you Trump supporters would watch shows about black people!! ???? But JUST IN CASE: Robert Johnson, Founder of Black Entertainment Television, and Debra Lee, Chairman and CEO, have both endorsed The Notorious HRC.
Ever heard of Google? Well its chairman Eric Schmidt reportedly endorses Hillary, and some media outlets (and super-spy Julian Assange) even say that the search engine actually rigs searches in her favor (OMFG!). Better start Bing’ing it.
Time to start getting your large files in a more Republican way! Drew Houston, founder and CEO of Dropbox, endorses Hillary Clinton.
Have AT&T or Verizon Phone Service
Better switch to Boost Mobile prepaid because Jim Cicconi, senior executive vice president at AT&T Services Inc., is a Hillary supporter. (Fun fact: Mr. Cicconi, who worked in the White House for Presidents Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush, has backed every GOP presidential candidate since 1976. “But this year I think it’s vital to put our country’s well being ahead of party,” he said in a statement provided by the campaign. “Hillary Clinton is experienced, qualified, and will make a fine president. The alternative, I fear, would set our nation on a very dark path.”) Verizon has also donated a buttload of cash money to Hillary’s campaign.
Listen to Beyoncé
This one’s gonna sting for the ladies. ???? That’s right, NO MORE QUEEN BEY. No more Single Ladies, no more getting into Formation, no more Blue Ivy stalking on Instagram, and you better change the station when Bey comes on your Pandora party mix because you’re out of the hive. Mrs. Carter hasn’t been as vocal as say, Katy Perry (cross her off your playlist, too), but she’s definitely made it known who RUN THE WORLD.
Considering that “Internet critic” goes hand-in-hand with the classy Trump ideals, this one is a bit ironic. But alas, it is true: Jeremy Stoppelman, CEO and co-founder of Yelp, is #WithHer.
That’s right, no more Netflix-and-chilling for you conservatives! Reed Hastings, founder and CEO of Netflix, endorsed Hillary hard by saying, “Trump would destroy much of what is great about America. Hillary Clinton is the strong leader we need, and it’s important that Trump lose by a landslide to reject what he stands for.” (Also Netflix just raised its prices to $10 a month, which is undoubtedly going right into KILLARY’S CROOKED POCKET SO SHE CAN RUIN YOUR LIVES.)
See Movies or Watch Television Shows With Any of the Following Celebrities in Them:
Meryl Streep, Leonardo DiCaprio, STEVEN SPIELBERG, Ben Affleck, Lena Dunham and Amy Schumer (duh), Morgan Freeman,
Kerry Washington Olivia Pope, ELLEN, Will Ferrell, George Clooney, Robert De Niro….just to name a few.
Now I know a lot of you must be FREAKING THE FUCK OUT (scrambling to cancel your Netflix subscription, changing that Quality Inn reservation for your upcoming vacay to Biloxi, switching cell phone providers, removing Yoncé from all your workout playlists, etc.) and wondering what the heck you’re going to do with your life now, so I don’t want to leave you totally high and dry! Here are a few things you can still do whilst sticking to your morals: Watch Duck Dynasty and Charles in Charge reruns, use Paypal, and buy a rifle (but not from Wal-Mart; they’re still up for debate).
Good luck out there and YAY POLITICS!